Vegan Cheese is Awful

I'm not going to say how many years ago this was because I am super old, but some years ago I decided I would become a vegan. Back then, it was pure idealism. I didn't want to kill animals. But then I was almost immediately confronted with the unconfrontable: 

 VEGAN CHEESE 

In those days vegan cheese was like worse than awful. It was rubbery, flavorless, and it didn't melt. I couldn't hack it. I loved cheese. So I went back to my carnivoristic ways. Well, I mean I managed to stay vegetarian for a few years but I eventually reverted back to full carnivore. 

Then, earlier this year, I decided to cut out animal products again, not for idealistic reasons this time but for health reasons. I thought maybe I could kickstart my diet by going totally vegan for a while, so that's what I did. For three weeks, I ate no animal products. And I lost four pounds, so cool. And I am here to say that vegan cheese is no longer worse than awful. It's still pretty awful, but it's not worse than awful. It tastes exactly like vegan sour cream and vegan cream cheese and all variations of itself, and it doesn't taste especially good, either. It still doesn't really melt, either. In case you're a vegan and you take issue with this accusation, here is some proof:

Can you guess which of these potatoes are topped with vegan cheese? Yeah. And I didn't cheat and leave one set of potatoes out of the oven, either, they both went in at the same time, soooo. I guess I kind of think, if you're going to go full vegan, why even bother with the fake cheese? The poor imitations really aren't doing the cause any favors. 

Anyway, here's the thing. I don't really think there's any such thing as cruelty-free eating, so I don't think there are really any idealistic reasons for going vegan. I mean, thousands of mice and rats die every single day so our grain stores can remain free of mouse poop. Managed honeybees make it possible for us to have almond milk (no bees, no almonds!) so you can't really call bee-pollinated plants vegan. Pesticides have all but wiped out certain species of amphibian ... and if you're thinking "well that's okay because I only eat organic," I have terrible news for you: organic pesticides aren't exactly cruelty-free either. Pyrethrins, for example, can be absolutely devastating for fish if they get into fresh water. But hey, I get that you don't want to be more directly responsible for the death of an animal, it's just that I'm not sure that directly killing a cow is so much worse than indirectly killing a mouse. A life is a life. 

I do, however, think that veganism is a healthier way of eating, overall. I'm basing this on actual bonafide scientific research (I'm a working science writer, so I do know a couple of things about reading scientific papers). I just can't do it, you know, ALL the time. So I've adopted a semi-vegetarian diet, popularly known as VB6 or "Vegan Before Six." I eat vegan for breakfast and lunch, and I try to go somewhat light on animal products at dinner. This means I need good vegan recipes, like the sort of vegan recipes that carnivores can also appreciate. And I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who wishes that some of this stuff was vetted by a meat-eater before I commit to spending half my paycheck on meat-free ingredients.

Which brings me here, where I hope to post my favorite (and least favorite) vegan recipes so that semi-vegetarians who still love cheese (like me!) can avoid cooking the awful recipes and skip right on to the good ones. In my sole, opinionated opinion, of course. I make no guarantees that you will love or hate this stuff as much as I do. 

But if I ever find a vegan cheese that isn't awful, I'll let you know.